Would you guys please check out my friend’s blog? Her name is Alejandra and she’s the most badass girl I know. She wants an audience, and deserves one! However, it is much too personal for her to post on Facebook (right now). So my lovely supernovas, go make her day because she needs you to lift her spirits.
I clearly remember what I was doing this time last year. I was sitting in my room, in the dark, feeling more vulnerable then ever. I hated myself and I wanted all the pain I was feeling to just go away. I wanted to go away with that pain. This past year I have experienced so many things, but as it has come to an end I have finally found my happiness. I learned that I had to lose friends in order to find the ones who will always have my best interests in mind. I lost some of my best friends over things such as love and disrespect of boundaries I so kindly asked them not to cross, and I know now that people will never put aside their feelings for yours, as much as you want them to they just won’t. I lost so many friends in the year 2012, and I had never felt so lonely besides when I was first diagnosed. The past year I had been writing on tumblr a lot to express the things I was too scared to say out loud. Now, I am able to shout these things and maybe a little too loudly, because I definitely have pushed people away because I’m no longer weak… but without pushing people away how would I find out who was willing to push back? I have made some amazing friends at college, and they have taught me to love myself because I’m worthy. They never doubt who I am and they have always supported my choices. At home I feel like nobody really gets me. I learned that a lot of the people in my life don’t know how to say thank you and appreciate the value of friendship. However, I should always still say your welcome because at the end of the day some people just don’t know how to be grateful. I was really scared for New Year’s this year… I know it sounds ridiculous, but I spent my Last New Year’s bawling my eyes out, having a panic attack, what I would call a hardcore breakdown at a party over someone who can’t even walk up to me a year later and say a simple hello. This was someone I loved more than I loved myself since the age of 5. But yesterday I was happy. I now know that it is okay to be happy and that when you show those who have fucked you over how stable and well-off you are, they are the ones who end up regretting their choices. I guess being so in love with someone who didn’t love me back really taught me to let things go and to not push things because at the end of the day I was the one getting hurt. Going away to college and getting away from people who were stressing me out taught me how amazing I should feel and how all these people made me feel the exact opposite. I embrace the beauty that comes along with loving yourself and the journey I’ve taken to discover who I’ve become and who I am still becoming. Everybody should be worthy of good things, and I figured out that good things come when you simply just don’t think about wanting “good” so much. I am still growing as a person and figuring out who I am. I am seeing that things are slowly falling into place and that I should be proud of myself no matter the choices I make. I should feel great knowing that I’m stepping into my own, and that I am no longer trying to hide myself.
And so…. My top lessons from 2012 are:
- Loving yourself is extremely hard, but it really is the first and most important step towards happiness.
- There is absolutely no need to rush— anything.
- If someone only adds bad energy to your life, they do not deserve to be a part of it.
- Single does not equal sad— I am young.
- Big changes can happen really fast— the good and the bad.
I have written this on tumblr before, but I am going to write it again because I always say this to myself…..
Just breathe, let go, and let the universe run its course.
2013, I have declared you the year of discovery, curiosity, and happiness.
One precious evening I heard a noise
The thunder banged and the wind roared
My heavy heart sunk deeper and deeper
The sound of your footsteps became more familiar
I turned around expecting you there
However, I found nothing, but my lonesome despair
So here I am praying incredibly
Hoping one day, you may come back to me
And if you don’t, so let it be
Let the rain control my misery
And in this darkness, I hope to find
A little light from the northern skies
And as the light becomes perfectly clear
I’ll miss you less,
My reckless dear.